


Please God, let me take his place

by AbigailKinney4life



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Cancer, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-14 13:23:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbigailKinney4life/pseuds/AbigailKinney4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I would watch him sleep every single night, praying that I could take his place." Ongoing story, rated M for strong language, adult themes and real-life issues x</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I have this thing inside of me

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for strong language, drug use, adult themes and real-life issues.

So, second QAF fan fic, hope I get as much positive feedback as I did for my first x Hope you enjoy! Reviews much appreciated x This story contains alternating POV's.

Chapter 1: I have this thing inside of me

Brian POV

"We are not a fucking married couple!" I shouted at him, and Justin just stared at me. I didn't know why I was so angry with him, I just knew that I had to get it through Justin's fucking head that we were not a couple of fuck-in-our-beds breeders, and I don't answer to him, I don't answer to anyone.

"All I wanted was for you to stay home for one, fucking night!" Justin retorted angrily. "You might not give a shit but it makes me so fucking jealous, knowing your going out to have someone else suck your dick when you can't even stay home with me! I'm your fucking partner!"

The kid was getting so fucking pent up that there were tears in his eyes and his face was red. I sighed, the last thing I needed was Sunshine upset, as much as I didn't give a shit about how anybody felt, I cared about the kid, no matter how much I tried to deny it.

"Sunshine." I began, putting an arm around his neck whilst he just stared up at me, looking weak and vulnerable. I had a sudden urge to hug him and promise him everything was gonna be alright, but like I said before, I wasn't a fucking breeder. "We don't have locks on our doors," I continued, "and I'm not with you because I have to be," the tone in my voice was hard and I tried not to flinch as I saw Sunshine physically recoil. "I'm with you because I want to be, and if I want to go out and fuck my brains out then that's my decision." Of course it was my decision, I didn't spend my entire childhood working for a scholar ship to get away from my parents to start answering to some twink. I leant down and kissed him softly and I think his body couldn't help but respond."Now, you can either come with me, or butt the fuck out."

Justin walked backwards, away from me, his eyes were hard and tears of anger were spilling down his face. "What about me?" He asked softly, "am I supposed to wait for you forever?"

"What the fuck about you?" I asked incredulously, "I'm not gonna change my whole fucking life for a piece of blonde boy ass." Of course I knew that wasn't true, Justin meant more to me than he could ever know, and I had to stop my eyes from twitching in pain as I watched his mouth fall open and his eyes freeze at my comment, but I stood my ground, offering no condolences.

"Fuck you." He said softly, his breathing shaky.

"Planning on it." I said cockily and immediately walked to the loft door, leaving Sunshine staring after me.

In the lift on the way down I bit my fist, struggling to control my emotions. I was upset and angry, I was angry because I was upset and I was angry at Justin and I was angry at myself. All I'd done was say that I was going to Babylon, something we usually did every night anyway. I slammed my fist against the wall, breathing heavily. Why couldn't I tell Sunshine that I loved him? Why in the fuck was it so hard?

The constant thumpa thumpa of Babylon was one of the most relaxing things in my life. As soon as I stepped into Babylon I didn't have to think about anything, none of the shit that my life dished out to me. The music was pulsing so loudly that you couldn't think about anything else. The coloured, strobe lights danced on the semi-naked bodies as seemingly millions of beautiful men gyrated to the controlling bass. I reached out and ran my hand over the perfectly sculpted chest of one of them, who had been noticeably checking me out across the dance floor. My predatory side had immediately kicked in and I'd crossed the dance floor to capture my prey. I would never admit to anyone that I was beginning to get tired of the game; it was way to fucking easy to get whoever I wanted, and I also knew that I wouldn't even remember the nameless, faceless trick the next day. It would mean absolutely nothing to me and I was pushing away the only person that did.

I grabbed him around the waist and he grinned in anticipation as I dragged him into the backroom. I wasn't even sure why I was doing this, I just needed release, it was my fucked up way of getting pointless escape and it bored the hell out of me. The lesbian part of my brain wished that it was Sunshine I was dragging in with me. I wanted to feel his lips on my skin and throw myself on my knees and beg his forgiveness. I couldn't help laughing at myself, that E I'd taken must have really gotten to my head.

"What's so funny?" Asked the trick, as I shoved him up against the wall. My attention was momentarily caught by the numerous men climaxing around me, I'd always been so turned on in the back room, just watching the bodies and hearing strangers moaning in pleasure. The atmosphere was simply sex, somewhere I could thrive.

"Oh, nothing buddy." I answered heartlessly. I wished they didn't have to talk, but I suppose prowling around Babylon and the baths, tricks talking to you was the only way to be sure that what you were fucking was alive. I was always as dominant and as vocal as I could be, holding nothing back, so I would never end up like that. Who gives a fuck what they thought of me anyway? They were lucky to have me.

I looked down as I realised that the trick had undone the buttons on my shirt and was licking a path down my chest. I tried not to chuckle, it wasn't everyday you got foreplay in the backroom. But it wasn't something I wanted. I brought his face up to mine and he grinned in anticipation, he probably thought I was gonna kiss him. He'd be disappointed though, even though I sold myself as a heartless shit, I was a man of my word, I wasn't about to break Sunshine's rules, no matter how much he'd broken them himself.

I put my hands on the tricks shoulders and pushed him down, immediately understanding the direction my thought process was going in, he dropped to his knees and undid the button on my jeans. I leant my head back against the wall as the familiar pleasure consumed me. This trick was actually particularly gifted in the oral sex area, nowhere near to the standard of Justin, but I hadn't had a blowjob from a trick this good in a while. I could feel the familiar tightening in my stomach and let out a long moan as my climax shattered through my body. The trick came up to meet me as I came back down to Earth, I was impressed. He seemed to know that my orgasm had been pretty amazing too, as he had a smug grin plastered to his face.

"You like that?" He asked me, and I had to laugh, that was my line.

"You have a special talent." I told him, reaching to do up my pants. He stopped me from walking away.

"Don't leave yet." He told me.

I chuckled again. "Sorry, no deposits, no returns."

"That's not why I want to talk to you." He said seriously. I rolled my eyes, I hoped this trick wasn't gonna get funny.

I shrugged at him, waiting for him to talk. He took out his card and handed it to me, I took it with no intention of keeping it. "Give me a call."

"Sure." I said, turning to walk away, until he stopped me again.

"I want you to call me again because I'm a Doctor." He informed me, I raised an eyebrow and stared at him.

"You have a lump on your left testicle." He told me, and the world, as I knew it, crumbled around me. He was saying something about seeing my Doctor ASAP, but I wasn't listening. I walked away slowly and leant against one of the walls for support. I tried to grip the wall but there was no strength in my hands, my brain must have been in shock because I couldn't think of anything. I could only process one thought.

I've got cancer, I've got fucking cancer. Shit.

...

It had been a few days since I'd spoken to Dr. Blowjob, and I hadn't been to see a Doctor yet. 99% sure I had cancer, why in the fuck did I need to prove it, Justin and I hadn't spoken about our argument, in fact, I'd barely spoken to him. It seemed to me like Justin was walking around like I was a ticking time bomb, expecting another blow. I'd been unnecessarily harsh to him the other night, but there was no way I could tell him I (might) have cancer. He was gonna leave me eventually anyway, but I guess I was just trying to prolong his stay.

I was sat at my computer desk, trying to concentrate on my new presentation but my mind and my hand kept drifting to my ball.

I could definitely feel the lump. It was hard and it hurt.

I wondered what would happen, what my chances would be. All I knew was that I couldn't tell anyone. My perfection was all I had in the world. I gasped in pain when my hand grazed across the lump and it stung. I saw Justin stare up at me, a look of concern in his eyes. I just pretended it didn't happen and turned back to my computer.

I internally sighed as I heard him padding across the loft towards me. He placed his soft hands on my shoulders and began massaging out the kinks. I couldn't help but succumb to the feeling for a few moments.

"Are you okay?" He asked me softly.

I sighed. "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?"

Justin sighed slightly. "You just...haven't been yourself for the past few days." He leant his head down next to mine and kissed my cheek softly, I had a funny feeling that I was forgiven for the other night. I put my arm around his neck and pulled him closer, we met in a kiss. He laughed against my lips and his hand began to travel down my chest. I pulled his hand away from me before it could reach its destination and looked angrily at him, my eyes met his shocked ones.

"What are you doing?" I asked him in a hard voice.

Justin shrugged slightly, confused. "Trying to touch you." He whispered in my ear.

I stood up aggressively and Justin stumbled back slightly from the momentum.

"Well, don't try!" I half-shouted.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Asked Justin.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me, Sunshine. I have this thing inside of me and if it stays there, it's gonna kill me.

"Nothing." I eventually responded. I crossed the loft and grabbed my leather jacket.

Justin followed me to the door. "Where are you going?" He demanded.

I didn't even answer him before I walked out of the loft and slammed the door in his face.

...

I sniffed the substance and the hit went straight to my brain. I rode it as I swayed to the thumpa thumpa of Babylon. Downing the remains of my 6th beer I veered off into the dance floor. I could barely make out shapes and colours anymore. My sole intention as soon as I had left the loft was to come to Babylon and get as drunk and as high as I possibly fucking could.

And it worked.

That stupid fucking kid. He got me so angry I couldn't control myself. Why couldn't he just leave me the fuck alone and deal with his own shit. I looked up to the strobe lights and my eyes began to flutter. All I could see was Sunshine. All I wanted to do was to be with him. But this fucking cancer would probably take me out before I had the chance.

Just like your Ol' man, hey Sonny Boy?

A voice in the back of my head said. I physically jumped from shock. I must have been tripping, either that or I always knew that old son of a bitch would come back to haunt me.

I didn't wanted to end up like Jack Kinney, my good-for-nothing fucking father. I wasn't gonna die some old diseased hate-filled son of a bitch just because he had. My breathing came out in harsh, shallow gulps as I realised I actually had people to live for...like...Mikey.

"Brian!" I could hear his voice as I thought about him. "Brian! Brian! Brian!"

Christ, couldn't my brain shut the fuck up with crazy hallucinations for one night, it was starting to give me a headache.

"Brian! Are you okay! Ben, I think he's tripping!"

Brought harshly out of my drug-induced haze and brought back down to Earth with a resounding "thud", I suddenly realised I wasn't day dreaming, I looked to see Mikey and the Professor staring at me.

"Hey, Mikey." I drawled, throwing one of my arms around him.

"Brian, what did you take?" He asked me.

I shrugged, I couldn't remember now, anyway.

"Where's Justin?" Asked Michael.

I rolled my eyes, I didn't keep tabs on the fucking kid. "How should I know?" I answered. "Probably at home, washing his socks." I laughed at myself.

"Right, that's it, I'm taking you home." I vaguely heard him say, before drifting back of into drug la la land.

...

Michael was wrapping a duvet cover around me, I was aware of that much.

"Get some sleep." Michael instructed softly.

I nodded and practically fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I thought about Michael, and Justin , and my father, and Cancer and Gus. I felt the tears cascading down my face as I fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

When I finally woke up the next day my head was a lot clearer. I had a lot of gaps in my memory. Michael filled me in on the details as we ate breakfast, I contented myself by drowning myself in coffee.

"Maybe you should call Justin," Michael suggested eventually. "Tell him where you are, that you're safe."

I instinctively rolled my eyes, I wanted to tell Michael that I didn't have to report my whereabouts to the kid, but then it occurred to me that I didn't want to face Justin.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "I really pissed him off last night." I admitted to Michael.

I looked up and saw Michael staring worriedly at me. "You should apologise to him." He suggested, I think maybe he'd gotten to that point where he realised that there was no point asking what had happened, because it always really amounted to the same God damn thing.

I didn't answer him, I just stared at the wall behind him. "Michael..." I began slowly, "what would you do...if something happened to me?"

"Something happened to you?" Asked Michael, instantly worried, I regretted asking him.

"Why, are you okay?" He asked, eyes filled with worry.

"Mikey..." I began, but he cut me off.

"Oh my God." His hands flew to his mouth. "You're positive." He whispered, tears spilling down his face.

My eyebrows shot up, it never occurred to me that people would assume that. "No, no, no. Mikey, I'm not positive." I said immediately. Michael stared at me for a long moment.

"You scared the shit out of me!" He said finally.

"You scared the shit out of me!" I retorted, and we both laughed slightly. I decided to re-phrase my question. "No, I guess...what I'm asking you is, will you always stay with me no matter what?"

"Of course I will." Michael answered, he leant over the table and hugged me. I held onto him tightly, but not so tightly that he'd think something was wrong. I swallowed. Yep, unlike my dear old dad, I had some things to live for, there was no way I was gonna leave Mikey for anything.

Come on, Kinney, I had to tell myself, swallow down that motherfucker. 

That "motherfucker" being my fear, and my pride.

...

"Mr. Kinney, I can confirm that you have testicular cancer." Said the Doctor.

I closed my eyes and let it wash over me, that fear, that dread, that sense of helplessness. When I finally opened my eyes I saw my Doctor staring at me sympathetically, I could have punched him.

"What are my chances?" I asked softly, barely any strength in my voice.

"Well," began the Doctor, standing up. "With surgery, by way of removing the infected testicle, 99%."

I shuddered for a number of reasons, those were fucking good odds, but a fucking big sacrifice.

"So, I'll be a one ball wonder?" I asked him.

"Oh, no, we replace the testicle." He informed me. "Here."

I almost laughed aloud when he handed me the box of ball-shaped pieces of plastic. I picked one up tentatively and was surprised, it certainly felt like my ball, well, minus one terrifying lump. I had to close my eyes again, I tried to picture this imitation piece of plastic in the place of what should be rightfully there. The thought made me feel physically fucking sick.

"You'll be glad to know that neither your sexual performance or your fertility will be affected."

I had to blink. My sexual performance wouldn't be affected?

Was it actually possible to be less frightened of cancer when it's confirmed you have it?

"And if I don't opt for surgery?" I asked inevitably.

"Then the cancer will spread to your abdomen, infect your vital organs and you will die." I gulped subtly. I had to dip my head and closed my eyes as the images of sharp knives and operating tables monopolized my imagination.

...

I walked back into the loft lifelessly. I told the Doctor I'd go into surgery, but even then, there was still a chance I might die and I'd lose a ball from it. Then I'd feel sick as shit for weeks with radiation therapy. If I'd started the day with any kind of buzz, it would be dead by now.

"Hey." Said Justin softly as I walked into the loft. "Are you okay?" He was staring at me like he was expecting another argument and that in itself pissed me off. But as I looked at him, I realised he was one of the main reasons I was getting this surgery. That, and to prove to God that I wasn't some pussy he could write out whenever he felt like it. I reached out and touched Justin's face, revelling in the smooth, familiar feel, his eyes fluttered at the contact. I wondered if I should tell him, I knew he'd want to know, but Justin loved me because I was perfect, and I didn't want to take that away from him.

"I'm fine." I answered softly, smiling slightly. He smiled his million watt smile back up at me and I honestly felt warmer , happier.

"I'm sorry." I said, in a voice that was barely audible, Justin stayed silent for moment, I could see his eyes fill with emotion.

"It's okay." He answered, and I could hear the happiness in his voice. "It's okay." He repeated softly, sounding overwhelmed, and stroking my back, like he was trying to comfort me.

I was actually grateful for that.

I leant in and kissed him softly, trying not to let the tears escape. "It's late," I said softly, "you should try and get some sleep."

...

I didn't sleep that night, I just stayed awake and stared at Justin as he slept, holding him close.


	2. Proud and unpredictable

J POV

When he came to bed tonight he just kissed me and turned over again. What the fuck? Brian and I haven't had sex for days. I didn't quite know how to approach him about it, whenever I tried to talk to him he'd blow me off, or laugh, or tell me everything was fine.

Maybe he just didn't find me attractive anymore?

The next day, Brian was sat on the sofa going through some presentation boards for his new account, I sauntered over quietly, hoping to God he was in a good mood.

"Hey." I said.

"Hey." He said, without looking up. I sat down next to him and noticed the worried look he had etched across his face. "Is something wrong with the boards?" I asked him tentatively.

He surprised me by looking up suddenly, his eyes looked so distant it shocked me.

"Just...err...the presentations for the new Remson account." He told me, before smiling slightly, I smiled reassuringly back. He turned back to his work and I got up and walked to the kitchen, my smile was gone. In all of the 3 and a half years I'd known Brian Kinney I had never known him to act this way. He was acting so inconsistently, when he wasn't angry or erratic he was worried and distant, and he was always pre-occupied. Just then talking to him, did Brian Kinney fucking stutter?

I went into the fridge and got out a soda, there must be something he wasn't telling me. Maybe he'd gotten some bad news, maybe his mother...?

I did a mental check list in my head; Michael was okay, Lindsay was okay, Gus was okay, I was okay...I snorted in laughter at that last one, like Brian would give a fuck if anything happened to me, I mean, of course he cared about me. I mean, what other reason would he have to save my life and look after me and give me anything? But I doubted that anything relevant to my life would have him practically depressed for days.

I stopped what I was doing immediately. Depressed? Did I really think Brian was depressed? I sneaked a quick glance over to him. No, I decided, shaking my head, he wasn't depressed, he just wasn't...quite right.

Then suddenly, another thing decided to materialize itself in my head. Michael was okay, Lindsay was okay, Gus was okay and I was okay, that covered the basis of people Brian gave a shit about, but was he okay?

I was instantly filled with worry, I snuck another glance over to Brian, he was standing now, looking at some of the presentations in the light. I looked over his body, he was standing tall, he looked the same as ever. And of course, I'd seen him get undressed and shower over the past couple of days. He seemed fine.

My head was in knots from confusion and wonder, maybe, just maybe, if I was subtle enough, I could talk it out of him, and even if he did get pissed and shout at me again, I wasn't gonna give up, I loved him too much.

I walked back over to him and held the soda out. "I got you a drink." I said simply, wondering what I could say to start this conversation, and wondering where it would lead.

He stared at the soda can for a long moment and then he stared at me. "Why?" He asked.

I laughed slightly. "'Cause I thought you might be thirsty," I said, "and, you look a little tired."

I nearly fell back in shock when he stood up suddenly and knocked the can out of my hand, it flew partially across the loft floor and smashed against one of the pillars, when it hit the floor, its contents spilled out slowly. I stared at it in shock.

And then I stared at Brian, he was breathing harshly and he looked very frustrated.

This just added to my list of concerns, I knew Brian better than he liked, and I knew that Brian was a lover, not a fighter. I'd never seen him be violent before (except when he'd get a little rough in bed, but, hey, no complaints there) and I'd never seen him react so fucking quickly to something so fucking small.

"I don't need anyone to look after me." He said in a hard voice.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled slowly, softly. I looked down to the floor and heard Brian sigh. Suddenly, I felt his soft fingers on my chin and he eased my face up to his. "I didn't, mean it like that." He said, sounding almost ashamed. Brian fucking Kinney didn't do ashamed either.

I stroked my hands across his face, it felt like I was dealing with a calming lion. Strong, beautiful, proud and unpredictable. I smiled fondly as I realised that if the English dictionary had a definition for Brian Kinney, that's probably what it would be.

"Is something funny?" Asked Brian.

I shook my head. "Of course there isn't." I assured him, I took a deep breath, "Brian, I'm just a little worried about you." I admitted.

He laughed his little superior laugh, something I should probably find annoying but, in truth, I'd always kind of loved it. "Well, don't worry your blonde little head about me," he said, "I'll be just fine."

I couldn't help smiling, that kind of statement was so Brian Kinney, so very normal.

"Listen, Justin..." he began. This kind of shocked me, he hardly ever really used my name, then it shocked me how I'd never found that weird. It never really occurred to me, I was just Sunshine.

"Are you listening?"

"Yes, I'm listening." I said, I'd never figured out why he did that.

"I'm gonna need you to look after the Loft for me next week." He said.

I blinked a few times. "Err...sure." I began, "but...why?"

"I'm going to Ibiza." He said, not looking at me. My face fell.

"You're...you're going to Ibiza? Why?"

"Because I want to." He said simply, of course that would be the fucking reason.

There was just two things I couldn't get over, 1, Brian never just took off like that, and 2...

"You're going without me?" I asked softly.

"Yes, I'm going without you!" He damn near exploded. "I don't need your permission to go somewhere, we are not fucking married!"

I stared up at him for a long moment.

"Your right," I said finally, "you're absolutely right," and I agreed with every word I was saying, I couldn't make Brian do anything he didn't want to do. The untameable beast, but it was one of the reasons I loved him so much, if Brian needed to run off on his own for a few days, it might do him some good.

I decided maybe I should try and switch tactics, or to simplify, talk to Brian in a language he was familiar with, I closed my eyes for a second, reminiscing about how oh so familiar he was with it.

"Come to bed." I said softly, wrapping my arms around Brian's neck and bringing my face up to his. He kissed me almost urgently, which meant he was in one of his "dominant" moods which was always great for me. I loved being dominated, controlled by this man. And I loved the way it asserted his position and power. Brian fucking Kinney was top dog and that was fact.

I felt his strong arms wrap around me and pull me tighter against him and I smiled in anticipation against his lips. I quickly made work of the buttons on his shirt and slid it to the floor, I slid my hand under the waist of his jeans and fingered the hem of his underwear...

"Sunshine, stop." I heard suddenly. I immediately looked up to Brian, he couldn't be blowing me off again. It honestly made me frustrated, he hadn't been inside of me for days. There was only so much of this "not being fucked into oblivion by Brian Kinney" shit I could take.

"Brian..." I began , but stopped as soon as I looked into his eyes. Were there...? Were there tears in his eyes?

"Brian..." I asked again, voice suddenly soft and full of worry, I reached up and touched his face, my annoyance instantly gone, "Brian...?"

"I'm fine." He said quickly, taking my hands off of his face. He rubbed his nose. "I'm gonna go take a shower." He said, turned on his heel, and just left me there staring at him.

...

"And then he just went and took a fucking shower!" I moaned to Lindsay, concluding my story. She smiled sympathetically at me as we pushed Gus through the park.

"So, you and Brian are having a rough spot?" She grinned.

"It's not a rough spot!" I said dramatically, "something is wrong."

She considered. "Well, the way you've been describing his behaviour does seem very strange," she admitted, but then she looked at me, "but you do know that whatever the problem is, if there is one, Brian is gonna deal with it on his own."

"I know that," I said glumly, looking at the floor, "but it doesn't mean I have to like it, and I guess, after we got back together, after he finally starting admitting we were partners, we might act a bit more like it."

Lindsay smiled knowingly. "Brian loves you." She reminded me, touching my cheek affectionately, "as much as he doesn't want to admit it."

"I know." I answered honestly, I knew Brian loved me, and he showed it to me, everyday. I came to that conclusion a long time ago. Not everything was three words and romantic gestures, I shuddered slightly at the memory of my romantic fling. Real love was completely your own, it wasn't text book. Real love wasn't Ethan showering me with roses and us making love under the stars. Real love was Brian taking Emmett's arms from around me and pulling me to him, real love was Brian giving me one casual glance that could set my body on fire and make me feel giddy, real love was Brian entwining our fingers together as he came inside of me.

Real love was the way I felt with Brian, and no one else could ever make me feel that way.

I squinted my eyes in thought, "do you reckon Brian could be...the one?" I asked, feeling like an idiot.

Lindsay nodded.

"I do," she said, "your relationship with Brian isn't conventional, and you couldn't write a million love songs out of the things you say to each other, but Brian is the one who means the most to you, in the whole world, and you want his face to be the first thing you see when you wake up every day."

I smiled to myself, I guess I did, didn't I?

"And I just know you're gonna stick by him, no matter what happens."

I was instantly worried again. "How could I not?" I asked, "I just...I don't understand...what could cause him to act this way?"

Lindsay's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "He doesn't usually just take off like that." She said finally.

"I'm just confused," I said, "I mean, going to Ibiza...it's just so, sudden, and random, and secret, in fact, I'm not even sure why he's going."

"Well, the thing you have to remember is that Brian is impossible to figure out," Lindsay reminded me, "and that's a part of his charm."

I stopped walking for a minute as I considered that.

This was very like Brian to act this way, and suddenly, I didn't understand why I was so upset. I loved him completely because of who he is, because of the things he does. So if he went and suddenly changed, and became overly loving and caring and romantic and stopped doing all of these unpredictable things, he wouldn't Brian Kinney anymore.

I love Brian Kinney.

And I wouldn't love him if he were anything less than what he is.

...

"Brian, a "Mr. Taylor" is here to see you." The substitute buzzed him through the machine. I rolled my eyes, Come back from holiday soon, Cynthia.

"Send him in." I heard Brian say back, the assistant let me in Brian's (former bath house) office. It was certainly a very "Brian Kinney" style "fuck you" to the competition.

Brian was working at his desk, he looked like he was going through paper work. I refrained from smiling sympathetically, because that would probably just earn me another one of his glares. I walked up to his desk and he looked up at me and smiled briefly.

"Hey," I said in greeting, "I don't mean to disturb you."

"It doesn't matter." He said, "the beauty of being your own boss."

We laughed for a moment.

"Look, I know you're leaving tonight..." I began as he stood up and crossed to the table.

"And why does that concern you?" He asked harshly, spinning on one foot and glaring at me. My eyebrows shot up in shock. I walked up to him.

"Brian..." I began, "if I've done anything, or said anything, to piss you off...I didn't mean to."

He sighed and looked down, and then pulled me in for a hug. "It's not you." He said, kissing me softly, "I'm sorry if it's come across that way."

When the hug ended I pulled back in relief, at least there was that.

"I just came to say goodbye." I said, and he nodded at me. "And..." I began, "I just wanted to say that, you go to Ibiza, and, do whatever it is you have to do." I smiled, "I just want you to know that I love you, and I'll be here when you get back."

Brian smiled slightly in understanding and I leant up and kissed him softly, savouring his smell. I gave him a small wave and left the office, planning in my head what little surprise I should set up for Brian when he gets back.

...

B POV

Shit. I rubbed my eyes. He just told me that he loved me, and he'd be here when I got back. What if I didn't come back?

I pushed those thoughts out of my mind as I went to my desk and retrieved my plane ticket.

John Hopkins hospital.

I rested my head in my hands, I actually wanted Sunshine to be coming with me. Why in the fuck did I want that? So he could hold my hand in the waiting area? Brian Kinney, you fucking lesbian, you actually care that you don't want to scare him.

I was going to have my ball removed in some fucking hospital and I was worried about how the kid would feel?

I could feel the anger bubbling up inside my stomach. The conflicting thoughts battling with each other.

_Why don't you just tell him?_

_Why do you even care?_

I grabbed the nearest thing, one of the lamps in my office, and smashed it with force to the ground, I swept everything off of my desk in anger and smashed the fruit bowl on the glass table to the ground.

I leant against my desk as I tried to control my breathing, my out-of-control-bitch-flip seemed to have subsided. Before I could destroy anything else I grabbed my coat, my briefcase and my plane ticket and walked out of Kinnetik.

I was sad Cynthia was on holiday, because if I didn't make it, I couldn't even wave goodbye to her as I left the office.

...

I was strapped to the fucking cold table and the oxygen mask was around my head, digging into my skin. The amount of oxygen they gave me was making me fucking high. I wondered if you did have random hallucinations when you went under, well, I was about to find out.

Maybe I should have gone to the hospital chapel and tried to atone for my sins? I would have laughed if it weren't for the mask:

No excuses, no apologies, no regrets.

I'd never been on an operating table before, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Sure Dr. Know it all and Nurse. Sympathy had spent two hours explaining it to me but, it was one of those, learn on the job, things.

"Okay, Mr. Kinney, relax and count backwards from ten."

I breathed heavily.

10, _the first time I'd seen Gus, lying in Lindsay's arms, she'd smiled up at me..."Come say hello to your son.."_

9, _"love you," said Michael, in his comic book store. "Me too," I answered, "always have, always will..."_

8, _"I just want you to know that I love you," Sunshine had said, smiling that smile, "and I'll be here when you get back..."_

I felt everything going hazy around me and had one last conscious thought as I went under.

_I wonder what God is gonna do with me._


End file.
